This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
" I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm ........
"And I'm" <the guy whose answering machine it was>
" We're not home; leave a message."
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:
(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy....
(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home...
(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."
<beep>
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like: "I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity."
I taped the operator saying "we're sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service..."
From Halloween this year:
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...
(French monologue in the background) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)